Monday, November 25, 2013

10 Commandments of Turkey Bowl

With Thanksgiving nearly upon us, it’s time to address a tradition that many people hold near and dear; The Turkey Bowl. All across this great nation of ours, friends and families will gather to face off in an annual game of blood, sweat, tears, bragging rights, and gravy. I give you here the 10 Commandments of  Turkey Bowl.
  1. Three-drink minimum per person. Turkey Bowl cannot be successful if all participants (excluding minors of course) do not have some sort of liquid courage.  This not only helps dull the pain that will undoubtedly be suffered, but it also encourages to wildest and wackiest of plays. Not only that, but diving for a pass seems like a much better idea if you’re well lubricated. You must be able to stay upright, but after that, it’s fair game. Halftime beers and/or shots are also a must.
  2. Trash talking is required. Sure we’re all friends and family, that’s even more of a reason to psychologically torment your opponent. I’m not saying you should get all Richie Incognito on anyone, but a healthy dose of taunts is a must. This ranges from making fun of dropped passes, missed tackles, to getting juked and terrible throws. Basically, anything you can think of.
  3. Turkey Bowl should be tackle football. Yeah, I said it. Two-hand touch invariable leads to tackles anyway. No one has enough socks to supply an entire team for flag-football. Sack up. Play tackle.
  4. All touchdowns must be celebrated. This goes along with #2. If a TD isn’t celebrated by the dancing of at least 2 members of the team, including the scorer, a 15-yard penalty will be incurred following kickoff. Bonus points for choreographed routines.
  5. At least one female per team (no limit though), and yes, they must score. Not only that, but the girls aren’t allowed to cover each other. This will of course lead to an interception and/or multiple tackles by a female. This is when you will immediately refer to rule #2. Ladies, please feel free to jump in on the trash-talking as well.
  6. If available, play in the mud. Turkey Bowl should of course take place on a grass field. But if there has recently been rain in a nearby area, you should travel to said area and hold your game there. Mud leads to much more entertaining games, not only for the players, but for the fans. And yes, you must have fans for it to truly be a Turkey Bowl.
  7. Losers walk. You get scored on, you walk to the other end of the field and prepare for kickoff. No arguing, just do it. You don’t want to walk? Don’t get scored on. This also aids in keeping it fair in terms of field condition and wind.
  8. There needs to be some sort of trophy. I don’t care if you hot-glue a toy car onto a piece of scrap wood. The winners deserve to be awarded with something. Of course they have bragging rights for a year, but a trophy is so much more. “Turkey Bowl” should be emblazoned on this trophy in some form, and a record of the winners should be kept as well. The stealing and holding hostage of said trophy is not only encouraged, but expected.
  9. No more than one rushing play per series. This does not include reverses. Trick plays are a necessity, and the fans are there to watch you air it out. A ground game is fun for exactly no one.  So line up wide and throw the ball. Remember that liquid courage? Yeah, it helps a ton in this area.
  10. The most important rule of all, have fun. Turkey Bowl comes but once a year. The memories however live on forever. Take it just serious enough so it means something, but not so serious that it ruins dinner and makes people not want to play next year.
There you have it, my 10 Commandments of Turkey Bowl. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments. 

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